The Importance Of Being Charles Bronson

An Essay of Motivation, by Jeffrey A. Thomas

Never has the world been in such dire need of a good catch phrase — one with the spirituality of George Lucas' "May The Force be with you", the 'take no prisoners' attitude of Clara Peller's "Where's the Beef?" and the cultural solidarity that can be gleaned from Mork from Ork's "Nanu, Nanu."  Yes, people, the bar must be set that high. 

That is why, as we stand at this historic crossroads, I call for the catch phrase of the new millennium to be ...

Charles Bronson and me, after the 79-year-old "Death Wish" star beat me to within an inch of my life for plastering his name all over my Web site.

"I'm Charles Bronson!"

Say it loud.  Say it with feeling.  "I'm Charles Bronson!"   Doesn't it just feel right?

"I'm Charles Bronson" is best explained as in this way: Today, I'm Charles Bronson.

Why?  Well, I'm Charles Bronson for being bold enough to call for a catch phrase that will unite all people.  In doing so, I'm also Charles Bronson for defining my own rules, for standing strong in the face of sure ridicule, and — if I am successful — I am Charles Bronson for accomplishing a feat that is worthy of History Channel coverage.  Or a short segment on that E! station, at least. 

"I'm Charles Bronson!"

It's already sounding better than "Is that your final answer?" or "Yadda. Yadda. Yadda," don't you think?     

And consider this: "I'm Sylvester Stallone " and "I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger " don't work.  Ditto for "I'm Van Damme" and "I'm Steven Seagal before he gained 100 pounds."  Those guys simply aren't real — they're just too pretty.  But anyone with a fire in his soul can be Charles Bronson, that mangy everyman who kicked butt well into his golden years in a series of five fine "Death Wish" movies.

The first guy to clone a sheep, he's Charles Bronson.  Jessie "The Body" Ventura is Charles Bronson, too, for leveraging a pro wrestling career to become governor of Minnesota.  For good dental hygiene and for raising the profile of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, Donnie and Marie Osmond are a little bit country, a little bit rock 'n roll and a whole lot Charles Bronson.  And there are Charles Bronsons every small community, from Amish barn raisers to grown men who dedicate their spare time to the Boy Scouts of America without having sick, ulterior motivations.  All that we have to do is show some dedication and have some intestinal fortitude, and we are all Charles Bronson.  It's just that simple.  So let us proclaim it once again, proudly, and in unison ...

After unsuccessful attempts in 1974, 1982, 1985 and 1987, Mr. Bronson finally grants my wish for a photograph while touring to promote 1994's "Death Wish V: The Face Of Death." *

"I'm Charles Bronson!"

As gains popularity, my dream is for all of the little children of the world to hold hands, saying in harmony, "I'm Charles Bronson!"  To me, it would be more beautiful than the Coca-Cola commercial that taught the world to sing and even the popular "Hands Across America" fund-raising crusade of my own youth.

And on the joyous day that a Nobel Prize winning physician discovers a way to successfully thaw beloved children's entertainer Walt Disney from his cryogenic sleep, I fully expect that doctor to exclaim ...

"Holy #*%& !!!"

[But we'll know what he's really thinking.]

[ Back to the Library ]

* Actually, the I've never even met the man.  I have seen lots of Charles Bronson movies, though.  But these are just pictures that I worked some magic on, as if you couldn't tell.  All images remain property of their respective owners, who are free to tell me to eliminate them from the site and take a long walk off a short pier.  Yadda.  Yadda.  Yadda ... I mean, "I'm Charles Bronson!"


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