There are no two ways about
it: If you are a woman reading this, Prince could seduce you.
Almost universally, women try to dismiss this claim. Most say that it lacks validity
because they have never had their fair opportunity to deny Prince's advances. Many
are quick to say that Prince is short and gross, and that they'd have nothing to do with
him. And some flat-out tell me that I should take a purple paisley scepter and do
unspeakable things with it. To all of these unbelievers, I point to evidence that Prince
is, in reality, a divine being. As such, the multi-platinum hit maker and
star of "Under the Cherry Moon" is not bound by rules of this mortal world.
To resist Prince would be beyond your mere womanly control.
|
The
Artist Currently Known As Jeff, with The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, now again known
as Prince. Am I making any sense? |
This is not to say that Prince is The God, creator of heaven and
Earth and all of the rich, aromatic coffee beans that make life worthwhile. Such a
claim would be blasphemy beyond the scope of jeffthomas.com, which is, after all, a
fun-loving family site. But it would be foolish indeed to deny evidence that I have
uncovered that the hand of spirituality has touched Prince. In this way, Prince
is a 'small-g' god in the tradition of Bill Murray's 'indestructible man' character from
the film "Groundhog Day". Indulge me while I testify:
It has been said that faith is the foundation of all that is real, and I began to see The
Purple Light in 1989, the year that Academy Award-winning actress and animal
activist Kim Basinger had a full-blown epiphany. It was the year when
Prince wrote and recorded the soundtrack to the original "Batman" movie, before
that film series got unconscionably lame. During production, supermarket tabloids
reported that "Batman" star Basinger fell prey to the elfin magic of the film's
diminutive musical composer. Specifically, these reputable journals stated
that the stars' affair involved an unusual and unhygienic oral fixation on Prince's
toes. "How could this leprechaun of a man persuade such grotesque
pleasures from the lovely and talented star of "9 1/2 Weeks"?," I cried
aloud, as you may have as well. "He must possess some supernatural force!"
And, so, It Was Written ...
For years, I delved deeper. At first, it was repeated
listenings to the song "1999". They revealed that Prince foresaw the end
of the world as only a god-like figure could, albeit one with less-than-satisfactory
mathematical skills. But more evidence was needed. Then Prince changed
his name to that incomprehensible glyph, taking on characteristics that were neither
completely male nor completely female, another decidedly divine thing. My
skepticism further waned.
I cannot remember, dear diary, the exact moment when I became a true believer.
Perhaps it was in a dream. Perhaps it was during time well spent watching an
"MTV Video Music Awards" ceremony or episodes of "Soul Train".
But the proof came to me in this seemingly simple revelation: Prince is an
excellent dancer. Throughout history, scientists have time-and-again
disproved the claims set forth by cultists at The Arthur Murray Studios that men can
dance, and have warned mere mortal males against even trying. The fact that Prince
is able to command a stage while dancing — without feeling the least bit awkward
— was all the proof that I needed to know for sure that he is not Man but Super
Man. Prince, my good friends, is to be looked upon in amazement, as Deney
Terrio was before him.
|
After
a nasty breakup with composer and foot fetishist Prince, actress Kim Basinger takes to
gnawing on flesh-colored furniture. |
And if you've ever seen an episode of "Dance Fever,"
then you know that the ladies never could deny Deney, could they? All of which
amounts to exactly why no woman can reject Prince's otherworldly charms, despite any
claims to the contrary. And so ends this discussion — and begins The
Purple Reign.
Editor's Note: This essay was written under contract to Kim Basinger,
and lamely presented to her current husband, actor Alec Baldwin, under the guise of an
official psychiatric document explaining the "Prince phenomenon." It is
reprinted here without permission. |
